Stages of Dealing With Grief or Loss

Defining Mental Health.

Posted Monday, February 25, 2008 by Dan B

So we took a break from mental health for a while to look at a few more fun topics. (Did you groove today?) Now I'd like to swing back and talk about something that I found while digging around the net the other day.

We've talked a lot about mental health, and there are thousands of websites out there dedicated to helping people understand and cope with different kinds of mental illnesses and disorders, but we never really defined what mental health is!

The American Psychiatric Association has long been the organization that defines mental illnesses and disorders. It has only recently started to note that mental health is more than just the lack of mental illness. Through a study of the characteristics that make up mental health, there has been a realization that there are different levels of mental health among people who do not suffer from any form of mental illness. Here are some of the characteristics of what makes up mental health:

The ability to enjoy life

While it is important for us to plan for the future, we have to have the ability to live in the moment and enjoy life. If our entire life is consumed with planing for the future and what may come, we don't stop and enjoy our everyday lives.

Resilience

This is our ability to bounce back from adversity. We all know that some people handle stress better than others. Those who are able to deal with their lives and what they have been given seem to have more resilience than those who repeat the hardships in their lives by continuing to stress about them.

Balance

Balance is very important in life. We have to balance time we spend with others with time that we spend alone. We have to have a work-life balance. We have to balance the amount of energy we spend looking out for others with the amount that we spend looking out for ourselves. People who can find this balance have better mental health that those who let the scales tip to one side or the other.

Self-actualization

This has to do with how we deal with what we are given in life. Some seem to flourish and exceed expectations with what they are given in life, while others seem to squander the gifts that they are given.

Flexibility

People who are very rigid in their lives often fall prey to stress because of the inability to cope with changing circumstances. Those who can roll with the punches seem to have better mental health, and the ability to better deal with the major challenges that life sets forth.

There are many other factors to mental health, such as the ability to form strong relationships, self esteem, and even healthy sexuality. How a person deals with grief and loss also contributes to a persons mental health.

As always, I remind you that overall health encompasses a lot of factors, taking little steps towards healthy living makes a HUGE difference!

The difference between depression and grief.

Posted Friday, February 8, 2008 by Dan B

In my last post we took a look at depression and grief. There is some thought that antidepressants can be beneficial to people going through the grieving process. Most of the information that I am finding in medical and psychiatric findings, such as this one, explain that it's important to understand the point that grief becomes full on depression before looking at mental health medicines as a form of treatment.

These articles mention these key differences between grieving and clinical depression:

Most people who are deeply grieving will still have lighter moments where the pain is less intense, (Emotional ups and downs) whereas with depression the emotions are constant and heavy.
Those who are grieving may still have moments of "hope" for what the future may bring, while those suffering from depression will mostly feel "hopeless".

This article does a good job of summing the differences up in this statement:

The main difference between grief and depression concerns the presence or absense of self-esteem and guilt. When a person is experiencing depression, there is typically a loss of self-esteem and overall feeling of guilt. This can be somewhat complicated, as some people will experience guilt as a result of the loss of a loved one, but this type of guilt is specific to the event of loss. It is helpful to consider seeking help through counseling if you are unsure about your reactions to the loss or would like support through the mourning process.

Keeping in mind this difference between clinical depression and grieving, most mental health professionals do not prescribe medicine for people who are grieving. Since most of the mental health medicines that deal with depression are more long term and take some time to take full effect, they are not really suited for people dealing with grief. There are some "fast acting" medicines for depression and anxiety, such as Lorazepam or Ativan, that are sometimes used for people suffering from extreme depression during the grieving process.

As always, it's best to consult with your doctor about any issue that you are facing that affects your mental or physical health. They will be able to work with you to better understand your situation and needs.

Antidepressants and Grief.

Posted Friday, February 8, 2008 by Dan B

I've come across some interesting discussion about antidepressants and people dealing with grief, and I thought we'd take a look at that today.

It's an interesting concept, and honestly one that I hadn't thought of before. Can people who are coping with grief benefit from antidepressants? Let's take a look at some different views on this topic.

After reading this article and several like it, I see that the medical and mental health communities seem to agree that the depression that one experiences during the grief process is typically secondary, and resulting from the original cause of the grief. They also believe that any depression experienced from grieving is typically short term (relatively) compared to full on depression. With that said, there is also some agreement that the grief process may trigger a long term depression that continues after the grieving has run it's course.

Basically, what that all means is that it's not usually necessary (or beneficial) to treat the grief experienced during the normal stages of grief with antidepressants. It is possible, however, for an extreme stressor to trigger a clinical depression, which may linger after the grieving has ended. It's important to understand the relationship between grief and depression so that you can recognize when the depression has become more than just a normal part of the grieving process. We'll take a look at that relationship in the next post, as well as how some antidepressants and mental health medicines may benefit clinical depression after grief.

Stay tuned!

Issues that affect mental health travel in packs.

Posted Wednesday, January 30, 2008 by Dan B

So we are going to take a break from looking at how mental health issues can be affected by nutrition and exercise. If you've been reading my posts you know that I will shift gears when I see an issue that I want to discuss that seems to be of more importance and relevance to people at that time.

I subscribe to some other blogs that talk about mental health issues. It amazes me how people are able to open up and talk about some very personal issues. As I said before, blogging can not only offer you the chance to help someone else by sharing your experiences, it can also be a good form of therapy for the blogger themselves!

In reading some of these other blogs, and then reviewing my own posts, I am noticing that issues that affect mental health seem to travel in packs. I have talked about anxiety and depression, as well as how PTSD can be accompanied by (or sometimes replaced by) depression, anger, anxiety, grief, or any combination of these issues. Now I'd like to take a look at some other trends that I am noticing.

In my next few blogs we'll take a look at some common combinations of mental health issues that I see people dealing with. The thing that interests me the most is how the health professionals and their patients are adjusting their treatment techniques and even the mental health medicine that they are using because of the affects of multiple issues.

In the next post we will take a look at how bipolar disorder and epilepsy are linked, and how treatment for both is being approached by both doctors and their patients.

Stay tuned!

Emotional & Physical Causes of Bedwetting

Posted Tuesday, January 29, 2008 by Deann Marin

A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer. ~Author Unknown

Today I would like to talk about a troubling condition for parents and children alike. It is called enuresis which is unintentional bladder relief or wetting the bed while asleep. If you have a little one, aged 3-5, bed-wetting is considered normal and nothing to be concerned about. Usually, the bladder is regulated by a reflex that

controls the sphincter and pelvic muscles preventing unwanted urination. More than likely, bed-wetting occurs because your child has not yet learned to use this reflex. This is known as primary bed-wetting. If however your little tyke has learned to control this reflex, and after a few months reverts to this behavior again, it is called secondary enuresis.

If you have concerns about this behavior you should consult your pediatrician. He/she will have to determine the type of enuresis it is, if it is secondary, there may be underlying emotional or physical problems. After taking a thorough history of potty training methods, sleeping patterns, delivery complications, if any, your child's weight at birth, and other things that you feel are significant as well as a physical examination, a determination will be made as to the course of treatment to take.

I will briefly talk about physical causes of bed-wetting.

Genetic factors, if one parent had enuresis, there is a 45% chance that the child will be a bed-wetter, if both parents suffered from this condition there is a 75% chance of the child inheriting this problem. This happens because there is not enough of an anti-diuretic hormone (ADH) produced during sleep.
Bladder size may be a cause of bed-wetting. If the child's bladder is unusually small, he/she may have a problem holding his water and may have to urinate more frequently.
Obstructive Uropathy or an abnormality in the structure of the ureter may cause your child to wet his/her pants during the day or night. Consequently, the bladder is unable to hold a normal amount of water and makes the child less able to control his/her urine.
Urinary Tract Infection or UTI if your child is complaining of burning or pain while going to the bathroom.
Tonsillar Obstruction if your child breathes through the mouth or snores and is groggy and grumpy in the morning.
Diabetes may be another physical cause of bed-wetting.

After your pediatrician has ruled out the above conditions, you may want to look at some psychological factors, and possibly take him/her to a mental health therapist or counselor for help.

Usually psychological problems are the cause of secondary enuresis. Please continue reading.

Stress is an important factor to consider especially if your child has been dry for a long period of time and suddenly begins soiling the bed at night. Has he/she experienced something traumatic like the death of a loved one, even a pet. Is there a new baby in the house? Have you moved to a new neighborhood so that your child has to go to a new school. How well is he/she doing at school, has the teacher noticed any changes? Are you having marital problems, or have you been recently divorced?
Toilet training is a very emotional time, if parents are too harsh, or too lax in their training, a child may revert to bed-wetting. As a parent, do you expect too much of your child, if so he/she may soil themselves. If you were too permissive in your training, perhaps beginning toilet training when your child was older, he/she may have poor impulse control.
Impulse Inhibition can cause bed-wetting. Is your child able to control his anger? How does he/she act when angry? By not allowing a tyke to express anger often causes daytime incontinence, but may be a factor in bed-wetting. It is not mentally healthy to suppress feelings of anger, grief, rage, etc for adults, let alone children.
Secondary Gain There are times when a child wants to get back at a parent (usually the mother) and will wet themselves without even being aware that they are doing it. Ask yourself these questions: What does the child get out of this behavior? How do you as a parent react to this? How do siblings react? Is the child embarrassed wetting the bed? If your little one is not concerned about this problem, he may deriving some satisfaction from it and it will be more difficult to treat. But with patience, kindness and understanding this condition is curable.

I think that this is enough for now. Come back for my next blog which will deal with various types of treatment for bed-wetting in children, from counseling to alternative remedies.

References

Pediatrics for Parents, May, 1989, v10, n5, p6(2), Pediatrics for
Parents 1989,
Patient Care, Jan 15, 1985, v19, p75(7), Patient Care Communications
Inc. 1985,
Patient Care, Nov 30, 1984, v18, p54(15), Patient Care
Communications Inc. 1984,

20+ Foods you should have at home.

Posted Thursday, January 24, 2008 by Dan B

20 + foods

Home

You should have at

So, we're taking a look at how your mental health is affected by other factors in your life, such as your diet. It's a pretty basic idea, if you eat better, you feel better. If you feel better, your mental health will improve.

Now, I'm not going to get into food, per say. We have some outstanding bloggers that have some great information in our food blogs, be sure to check them out. Today I just want to give you a shopping list of some things to have on hand in your home that will help you eat better. If you have good food at home, you'll eat it. If you have bad food at home, you'll eat it. See where I'm going? When we are faced with a mental health challenge, especially depression or grief, we spend a lot of time in our homes. We often turn to food for comfort, which is ok, if you have good food to turn to.

So here's a shopping list of things that you should have in your home:

Peanut Butter

Yes, I said peanut butter. But here's the deal, you need to have the all natural, no sugar added kind. Or, if you want to try something new, check out this blog on Powdered Peanut Butter!

Dairy
Again, here's one that you hear about being a big no no. Dairy really is an important part of your diet, as there are nutrients in dairy products that actually help your body break down fat. The key is to get the fat free or low-fat versions, and stick with the vanilla yogurts.

And the RestAlmonds, beans, spinach, Instant Oat Meal, Eggs, Sliced Turkey, Olive Oil, Whole Grain Breads and Cereals, Extra Protein (Whey) Powders, Fresh Raspberries, Canned Tuna, Chicken Breast, Fruit, Green Veggies, Lean Fish, Lean Ground Beef, Long-grain Rice, and Whole Wheat Pasta.

So there's a start. Now, I don't expect you to throw out everything you have in your cupboards and run out and buy everything on this list. Just look it over, and next time you shop, substitute a healthy choice for something that you usually get. Get the fat free milk instead of the whole milk, and so on. Every little step matters on the path to healthier living. You'll not only feel better physically, your mental health will improve from the positive changes in your life!

Again, A lot of the information that I am sharing with you comes from the book "The Abs Diet." This is a great book written by the Editor-In-Chief of Men's Health Magazine. The great thing about this book is that it's not a diet, it's a look at how you can eat better and live better. You can get your own copy right here!

Study shows that volunteering improves your mental health.

Posted Monday, January 21, 2008 by Dan B

In the last blog we discussed how making positive changes in your life can affect your mental health. I really do believe that a key to helping bring you out of depression, anger, and grief is taking that step to be a better person. We all have room to grow as a person, and help others on the way.

Click Here to Volunteer!

There was a study done that found a significant connection between volunteering and good health. The report shows that volunteers have greater longevity, higher functional ability, lower rates of depression and less incidence of heart disease. Really!

The study finds that "Volunteer activities can strengthen the social ties that protect individuals from isolation during difficult times, while the experience of helping others leads to a sense of greater self-worth and trust." One of the biggest issues that we have when we are dealing with depression or grief is a low sense of self worth, and we often compound that by isolating ourselves.

Make A Wish foundation.

You'll notice that I am loading this post with links to some great volunteer sites. Click on any of the pictures to be taken to that site. I am a member of many of them, and I will tell you first hand how much volunteering has helped me.

Habitat for humanity

I started volunteering with Habitat a couple years ago through a program at my work. I can't tell you how great it was to get out and spend time working with all of those people... we were a part of the nationwide build that year and built 5 houses locally. Seeing the people volunteering with me, and the people who were getting the houses working right along side with us, really gave me hope that people still do care out there. It really made a difference in how I felt about myself, and honestly, society as a whole. Sometimes we get so blinded by the bad things around us, we forget that we have the power to make a difference. The cool thing is: we don't just make a difference in the lives of the people we help, we make a difference in our own lives.

It doesn't matter if your dealing with depression, anxiety, grief, anger, or any other mental health issue. Volunteering is a good way to take that first step towards getting back to the person that you know you really are. And, even more importantly, it's the right thing to do!

What's good for the soul is good for the mind.

Posted Sunday, January 20, 2008 by Dan B

So I've talked about mental health medicine, support groups, hobbies, and finding your passion as ways to improve your mental health. Now I'm going to look at how things that are good for your soul can help with your mental health.

Now, I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about doing things that are good for your soul, you know, random acts of kindness.

Here's my thought process on this one, stick with me! Grief, depression, anger and stress can all greatly affect how a person looks at the world. We live in a time where the media only shows the negative, where hate is seen more than love, and where trivial issues get more attention than genocide and famine in other countries. It's hard enough to deal with that normally, much less when you are fighting something that affects your mental health. It can really make it hard to see the good in life, and the good in the people and the world around you.

The thing is, it's out there. There is a lot of good going on, but sometimes it's hard to see. The best way to help yourself remember what's good in the world is to do something good for your soul. Once you make the effort to care again, you start seeing other people around you doing the same. You'll be amazed how quickly your mental state will change when you start doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

The thing is, as a whole we all want a better world. Take a look at this video, it hits home. It's an ad from an insurance company, but watch how it makes you feel. Those little random acts of kindness...

We'll come back tomorrow and look at some things that you can do that are good for your soul, and ultimately your mental health. You can't have a healthy mind without a healthy soul!

Patience, Perserverance & Hope

Posted Sunday, January 20, 2008 by Danielle McGinnis

Thirty years ago this February, my grandmother (Ninny) died. I can’t believe it’s been that long. In some ways it seems like just yesterday my mother was telling me Ninny needed an operation on her stomach. In can still picture her the day she came home from the hospital, weak and gaunt. I can remember how she steadily lost even more weight over the next 18 months. And I get an instant stomachache when I remember the overwhelming fear and uncertainty that swirled around me when she died. (While my parents weren’t neglectful, they were young when I was born. Ninny offered me the stability and security they weren’t able to give.)

Thirty years is an awfully long time. On one hand, it seems impossible that I lived that long without her. On the other, seems like she was never physically here at all. Some days I honestly have a tough time remembering what life was like, what I was like, when she was still alive. Like the Wizard of Oz movie, there are two parts of me, one part in techno color (before death) and the other in black and white (after death.) The techno color Danielle is a little fuzzy in my memory. Back then, was I optimistic? Yes. Was I naïve? Of course. Was I hopeful for the future? Absolutely. Then life threw me a curve and all that changed.

A lot has happened in the 30 years between then and now. For 2-1/2 decades I was defined by my denial, anger and grief. I made mistakes (millions), lived selfishly (I lost someone I loved, wasn’t I entitled?) and spent far too much time feeling sorry for myself. And in the end, it brought me nothing but more grief, anger, sadness and eventually, depression.

Today I’ve settled into a nice life as a wife and mother of a teenager but it’s only recently I’ve come to understand how Ninny’s death affected my life and made me who I am. Losing someone you love sucks, I’ll be the first to admit it, but like everything else in life, you can learn from it and become a better person. Realizing that came in a series of baby steps, hits and misses, triumphs and failures. Honestly, there isn’t a therapy I haven’t tried. Alternative medicine, relaxation techniques, meditation, visualization, drugs (as in anti-depressants) and support groups…been there, done that!

What’s important is that I didn’t give up. I’m not always a “glass-is-half-full” kind of person but I am competitive and I used that to my advantage. When dealing with my depression and grief, no matter how hard things were, I was determined not to let it beat me. It’s been a long battle but guess what? My perseverance paid off. Sure there are days when I feel sad or hopeless, but they occur with less severity and frequency than they once had.

So, what’s the moral of my story? To have hope, to not give up, to understand that what you are feeling can temporary, to believe you can get better and to know that you aren’t alone.

Self Awareness: Finding your passion.

Posted Wednesday, January 16, 2008 by Dan B

So, I've had a few people ask me why I am focusing on mental health to start off my healthy living blog. They are quick to point out that this time of year everyone is looking for good advice on diet and exercise, and I agree. There are, however, just as many people offering some great blogs on diet, exercise, and all of the New Year's Resolution type health related topics. I think that this time of year we tend to forget about our issues that affect mental health, both in ourselves and in others around us.

With that, I am going to continue on a topic that I started on yesterday. I shared one of my passions with you, photography. I also shared how finding that passion helped me through depression and anxiety that I was facing. Today I want to look at some ways that you can find your passion, and ultimately improve your mental health.

Finding your passion can be just as beneficial as the actual hobby that you fall in love with. You've already taken the first step by realizing that you are suffering, either from grief, depression, stress, anger, or something else. Now you want to be better, and you are looking for something that will help get you there. The first step is to take a good look at yourself. What made you happy BEFORE you felt like you do now. Do you love animals? Reading? Taking Pictures? Is there something that you have always wanted to try? How about gardening, a sport, or working on your car?

Don't go crazy and pick five different things to try, just pick one. Then take that one thing and run with it. Force yourself to do it, or think about it, every day. Carry that camera with you everywhere. Get out into your garden every day. (Or carry your camera out into the garden and you might just catch a moment of beauty like this one!) Go down to the animal shelter and volunteer to walk the dogs, then keep going back. The important thing to remember is that you are doing two things for yourself. You are forcing yourself to take a look at the things in your life that have (or have had) a positive impact, and then you are bringing those things back into your life by focusing on them.

It doesn't matter what you're dealing with in your life, self awareness is often a big step in the direction of getting back into a rewarding and fulfilling lifestyle. It all starts with you, are you ready?

Allow Me to Introduce Myself…and Share My Secret

Posted Wednesday, January 16, 2008 by Danielle McGinnis

Recently an acquaintance confided in me that she was feeling so depressed since her divorce that she could hardly get out of bed in the morning. I smiled and said, “I know how you feel. That’s happened to me too.” It was a simple statement and show of understanding but what was so amazing was that I admitted it at all.

Let’s get this out of the way: I am one of the millions of people who suffer from a mental illness - specifically, depression. I’ve been treated for it off and on since I was 19 years old and been so ashamed that I managed to keep it a secret from even my closest friends. Depression has always been the skeleton in my closet. I had become so good at hiding it that if you met me, you’d never suspect a thing. Once when I told a friend I was feeling “a little down” his response was, “Really? You?”

Being in the medical field (I’m currently a student), I’ll be the first one to tell a patient that depression is nothing to be ashamed of, that it is an illness like diabetes or asthma. But somehow, I hadn’t been able to believe those words or apply them to my life. Because of my secret, I denied myself the things that someone with depression needs (a support system), pretended to be someone I wasn’t (a happy person) and prolonged my unhappiness. It was exhausting!

The truth is, I had no one to blame but myself. Pittsburgh is overflowing with excellent doctors and mental health professionals, most of which I’ve seen. Unfortunately, when the questions got tough and I was forced to discuss something that made me uncomfortable, I checked out. And the harder my therapist tried to make me talk, the more I’d clam up until eventually I cancelled my remaining appointments and moved on to another doctor and repeated the cycle…over and over and over.

But last year I had a breakthrough, got to the root of the problem (grief) and started to understand what had been making me feel so sad for so long. I’ve changed a lot in those 12 months and will be blogging about my experiences, treatments, good days and not so good days. Most importantly, now I really do believe that depression is nothing to be ashamed of…and if my story helps even one person, this journey has been worth it!

---Danielle

A picture of health: a personal take on dealing with grief and depression.

Posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 by Dan B

So we've taken a look at everything from PTSD to Mental health medicines, the stages of grief, and support groups in my last blogs. Now we're going to change gears and look at some suggestions for ways to help you deal with grief, stress, and your overall mental health.

Today we're going to take a look at something that I feel is a great way to improve your mental health. This is my opinion, and while I can provide links to research that show that picking up a new hobby can be very helpful in the grieving process, or to help with stress or anxiety, I want to talk more specific today, and from personal experience.

PHOTOGRAPHY

There's a lot of people who believe that taking on a new hobby will help people dealing with grief, anger, stress, anxiety, depression... you get the point. The idea is that it allows the person to focus on something other that the issue that is causing their stress.
While I whole heartedly agree with this theory, I would like to take it a step further and suggest photography. Let me explain why:

There are two benefits that photography bring to the table that are above and beyond other "Hobbies" that a person can pick up. The first is that it actually makes you take the time to stop and look at the world around you. When you are going through a stressful time, you tend to spend a lot of time with your head down, and forget that there's an entire world happening around you. The second reason is that you start actually noticing the beauty around you too. When you're driving in your car and you come over that bridge and see the city skyline, or turn the corner on a country road and the light of the sunset strikes you just right, or that cold morning where the frost has frozen to the trees...

When you are going through a hard time, especially dealing with grief or depression, it's very important to find something that helps you see the beauty in things again.

When I first moved to Minnesota, I was going through a rough time. On top of that, I was new here, and didn't know anyone or have family in the area. I was trying to deal with my situation alone, and it got very hard. I stopped into a pawn shop one day, and saw a cannon camera (yep, an old 35mm) for fifty bucks. I had been fighting a pretty strong depression, and was trying to find something that would help me out of it, and that camera looked like it would do the trick. It did.

I left that pawn shop on that cold February day, went downtown, and parked my truck. I walked around Minneapolis for the first time that day, and found some great pictures. I stumbled on a greenhouse near an art museum that had a beautiful arboretum full of tropical flowers in bloom and tall palm trees. In February in Minnesota, that kind of beauty is a stark contrast to the cold drab outside...

It's been two years since then, and many hundreds of pictures later that camera still sits next to me. I got a digital for Christmas this year, so I'm getting even more excited about taking pictures. Every picture in my post today is one that I've taken over the last two years, starting with this palm tree picture taken on that cold February day. It helped get me out of my depression, and every day now I notice the beauty in the world around me.

Photography might not be the answer for you, but if you're dealing with stress, depression, grief, anxiety, or any issue that affects your mental health, maybe you should give it a try. There's a lot of beauty out there still waiting to be found!

Welcome to my blog!

Posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 by Dan B

This is just a quick summary of the topics that you will find in my blog. I am writing about how you can fit healthy living into your lifestyle, which includes everything from nutrition and exercise to mental health.

I started with some issues that can affect our mental health, and the ways that we can cope with them. Since the main page only shows the 25 most recent posts, some of the older ones can be accessed by clicking on the links below. Here are the topics I have talked about so far:

PTSD

Mental Health Medicine

Coping with Grief

Dealing with stress

Overall Mental Heath

How your lifestyle can affect your mental and physical health

Remember: Healthy living includes Mind, Body, and Soul!

Stay tuned!!! There's a lot more to come!

Grief

Posted Tuesday, January 15, 2008 by Wanda Pabon

On Dying and Compassion

In my last post we took a look at the stages of grief and the life and work of Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In reading about her work I learned that she fought to her last days for the rights of dying patients and loved ones to be treated with respect and compassion.

When facing those hard last moments you should offer the gift of support and understanding. Be present in heart, not only physically. Listen without judging and respect the feelings of those around you. Remember not everyone reacts the same. Be there when needed, offer your companionship, but know that often the dying person needs time by themselves. When they express their wish to be left alone, honor it.

At the time of death spirituality is generally very important for the one making the transition. If they have a different religious path than yours, be supportive and participate, this is not the time to impose your own beliefs. Hospice Net offers these excellent advise:

Touch your loved one in a way that is comforting to your loved one (hold hands, rub her head, snuggle...). Let your physical presence be part of what nurtures a place of trust.

Tell your loved one you love him. If he is unable to respond then answer for him. "And I believe you love me too."

Tell them that you feel God's love in this place surrounding you and her. Let her know your trust is now in God. If you can express your experience of God's love/presence then describe it to her. If it feels natural to you, you could use a scriptural image (i.e. God has the hairs on your head numbered, so I believe that God knows where you are and knows your name).

Tell them that God will continue to support you after she is gone and that you will make it in the future with your faith in God and your belief that she is at peace with God.

Forgive your loved one of any past estrangement/ behavior/words. If he is unable to respond then answer for him, "And I believe you forgive me too."

Give your loved one permission to let go. Again assure her that you trust the move from your loving hands into God's loving arms. Offer words such as "God is here with me and you, let's hold on to God now," "God's arms are open to you," "I am here for you, and so is God."

Of course they use the word God, but I believe that spirit is one and divinity has many names. Use the one that brings comfort to you and your loved ones. Quality of life should include dying, do the most to assure you and your loved ones go through this transition with respect and compassion. To quote Dr. Kubler-Ross, "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

May love and compassion surround you and yours in life and at the inevitable time of death. Take care of each other with an out-most giving heart, let not a moment go by when you don't express your feelings for those around you. Live well and at the end of your journey, die well.

Children and the grief process: When they need us more than ever.

Posted Monday, January 14, 2008 by Dan B

Ok, so in my last blog I asked you to look over some stories, poems, and pictures from kidsaid.com, a site for children going through the grieving process. When I stumbled across that site while doing research for an earlier blog, it gave me a pretty hard slap in the face.

We all talk about the grief that we are experiencing or have experienced. This is a very real process, and a very different process for each person it affects. Those of us who have experienced grief as adults, however, tend to forget that there is a very different side to grieving for children. We have the ability to go online and find blogs like mine, or websites like this, or support groups in our community. They do not. We may have friends and co-workers that will notice our grieving or that we can confide in. They do not. Furthermore, most often when a child has experienced a trauma, the adults in their life have been affected by the same trauma as well, either it has happened to them or they are grieving as well. The only people that these children have to turn to may be gone, or in so much pain of their own that the children don't get the attention that they need.

If you have just lost one of your parents, your children have just lost a grandparent. They don't understand why they are gone, and why you are acting like you are.

There is some great information on the Q & A section of kidsaid.com, as well as a glimpse into how parents coping with grief are trying to help their children. Take some time to read over them, it may help you with your children in a time of grieving, or even just help you put your own grief into perspective. If these children can get through the process of grieving, there's hope for us adults yet!

I focused on this topic as a transition from explaining the stages of grief and the symptoms people experience to a lighter series on ways that different people find success in dealing with grief. We'll take a look at some different ideas in my next few blogs.

Remember:

"The good news is: there's angles everywhere out there on the street, holdin' up a hand to pull you back up on your feet."

Grief

Posted Monday, January 14, 2008 by Wanda Pabon

Stages of Grief

The loss of someone you love is very painful deep heartache and deep sorrow of not having the physical presence of our loved one can be overbearing. The emotions and the physical sensations a person goes through when experiencing the loss of someone close is called grief.

There are many ways to start discussing the grieving process, but perhaps one of the most known models of understanding loss and its effects is the Kubler-Ross Model.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance are the main five stages mentioned and often referred to when touching the subject of bereavement.

In order to get prepared for writing this post, I started searching for more information about the above mentioned model and of course my mind wondered off. I started asking myself, Who is Kubler-Ross? How and Why did she come up with the concept of breaking down the human reaction of facing death?

Well, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was one of triplets, born in Zurich (Switzerland) on July 8th, 1926. She studied medicine and worked for the International Voluntary Service for Peace after WWII. It was then that she discovered her passion, serving and helping the people whose lives had been destroyed by the unforgiving monster of war. One day in Maidanek (a concentration camp),she found carved in the wall where prisoners spent their last moments, the picture of a butterfly. Since then, "it became her symbol of transformation that she believed occurred at the time of death"

She later came to America and worked in many hospitals, bringing compassion and fighting against the "standardised" treatment of of patients facing death. She wrote many books but it was her bestselling first book, "On Death and Dying", 1969, that made her an internationally-renowned author. The five psychological stages of dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) which were outlined in her book "became accepted as common knowledge throughout the world". She died at 78 on August 24th, 2004, in Scottsdale, Arizona of natural causes.

Her life was dedicated to the treatment of others, especially of those facing death and their loved ones with compassion, empathy and respect. I believe that understanding the bereavement process, is important in order to cope and know how to deal with grief. We should also raise awareness that the process for some people start much earlier, when physical death has not occurred yet. In the case of a prolonged illness this is a very stressful moment for both the family and the person making the transition. Following a suicide the survivors face shock , anger, resentment and many other strong emotions. If left unresolved, they may cause depression and other mental health issues.

In my up-coming post, I will be addressing the ways that understanding, caring and compassion can help in dealing with the effects of grief.

Credits:
With written permission
http://www.ekrfoundation.org/

http://www.elisabethkublerross.com/

Dance Therapy

Posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 by Deann Marin

A healthy body and soul come from an unencumbered mind and body.
~Ymber Delecto

As I write this blog about dance, the final one in my series of creative art therapies

for self-healing, I keep hearing the uplifting melody and rhythms from the well known musical The King and I, specifically, the song, "Shall we Dance." In my mind, I can visualize Anna and the King happily waltzing around the room as if they didn't have a care in the world. It makes me happy to think about this. Dancing does that to us, it gives a sense of freedom and abandonment, and lets us focus on the present allowing us to forget about problems that are inhibiting our well being.

We are just beginning to realize the importance of dance and other creative therapies. Some tribal cultures have realized the importance of making a connection of body and mind for centuries. They were the first to use dance as as a way to rid themselves of evil spirits and thus restore their bodies to physical and mental health.

Therapists have known for a long time that the practice of dance not only allows us to get in touch with our own bodies, but it gives us confidence. We are able to

express ourselves in an acceptable manner. By incorporating dance therapy into a prescription for improving mental health, a counselor is able to make an assessment of how we relate to the world around us, by the way we move. It also allows us to get in touch with locked up emotions and innate talents. For instance, when someone is timid, it shows through body posture such as not making eye contact, slouching, looking down at the floor, etc. A therapist will use this insight to set up a beneficial course of treatment. An effective way to break this pattern might be to have the person move to uplifting music thus eliciting feelings of freedom and lightness.

Dance therapy may be practiced on an individual basis, or with others. In a group ensemble, each member is encouraged to express their emotions or life

circumstances freely through improvisational movement and or dance. Depending on the type of music played, its rhythm and melodies may elicit various emotions such as sadness, anger, or joy. The participants express these feelings through movement. In some group therapy sessions, the members may each have an opportunity to dance by themselves as the others watch. The counselor and group members may offer their insights. The dancer will then have chance to discuss how he/she felt about their performance. In this manner subconscious thoughts will become conscious and issues that are causing mental anguish can be dealt with and hopefully alleviated. Each gathering usually lasts for an hour and may occur once or twice weekly for about 8-10 weeks.

While at home, if you are angry, tense, anxious, or joyful, you may move to the beat of your own drum, and feel the sense of freedom that dancing can bring. Speaking of

drums, dancing to the steady rhythm of percussion instruments can be an all consuming experience. Your body sways to the tempo of the music allowing you to experience a myriad of emotions. If this is done in a group session, the therapist or other members usually play the drums.

Exercises Used in Dance Therapy

Dance of Freedom

Group members are encouraged to express a strong emotion such as anxiety, anger, sadness, grief, depression, etc. Through improvisational movement they would interpret this feeling, and then show a way to discard it leaving it behind.

Dance of the Animals

Emulating animal motions such as the gracefulness of a deer, the silent movement of a stalking feline, or the soaring of an eagle is often used in dance therapy sessions. The group members are encouraged to imitate an animal of their choice. These movements bring back memories of childhood that can be expressed in an imaginative and creative way.

Dance therapy is not only good for grown-ups, it is an excellent way to have children

get in touch with their feelings. They are less inhibited than adults and their natural curiosity allows them to benefit from this type of activity.

If you decide to participate in a dance therapy class, make sure the counselor has been properly trained, and licensed, as feelings that are aroused may be unexpectedly overwhelming.

Reference

The Complete Guide to Natural Healing, International Masters Publishers,
Pittsburgh, PA.
CD Cover, The King and I

A child's voice: how grieving looks through their eyes.

Posted Saturday, January 12, 2008 by Dan B

"When I was 4 my real father was murdered and taken from me."

" My days are filled with feelings of hopelessness
And many thoughts of suicide..."

" Some times I feel like I want to end it right now to be with you"

Now, stop. Can you describe it? Can you describe that feeling that just came over you? I know I couldn't after I read them.

We have been talking about grief, and how we deal with it. Many of us have lost loved ones or been through a traumatic event in our lives. Some of you right now might be grieving the loss of a loved one. That hopelessness, that confusion, that anger and sorrow. The hate and fear. The nights you spend crying yourself to sleep. How are we supposed to deal with grief? It consumes our lives and we forget about everyone around us...

and that's the problem.

Those three quotes above were written by three children between the ages of thirteen and sixteen. That's right, a thirteen year old child who writes a poem talking about suicide because of the grief that she's feeling after losing her father.

Stories by kids dealing with grief

We forget about the children. That little girl who wrote the third quote had a mother that just lost her husband. The child who wrote the second quote wants to die because they've lost three family members in a row. The girl who lost her father at 4 years old continues to write of how her step father was killed and taken from her too, imagine what her mother is going through after losing two husbands.

I'd like you all to do this: spend some time tonight looking over the stories, poems, and artwork on this site. Kidsaid.com is a place where kids who are grieving can share their feelings and see that they are not alone. Whether you're grieving now or have in the past, these stories will put a little perspective on what you are feeling or have felt.

We'll come back tomorrow and look at how these kids are dealing with grief.

Dealing with grief: Grief support groups.

Posted Thursday, January 10, 2008 by Dan B

Over the last few days we have broken down the stages of grief. Today we are going to take a look at a very useful tool to help with the coping process, grief support groups.

Grief support groups offer a group of caring people, often who have experienced similar loss or trauma, that can "walk along side you" through one of life's most difficult experiences. This is key to helping you through the grief process, as most people feel that they have to go through grieving alone.

There are many resources out there that can connect you to a support group, but I will give you a couple of great sites today that I feel offer a great service.

Find a support group near you

Griefshare.org is a great resource. Right from the homepage you can enter your zip code and find local groups in your area. They also offer daily e mail to help guide you through the process, information on grief, and much more.

Support groups for children and families

kidsaid.com and it's parent site griefnet.org offer grief support for children and their families. Often times we forget that children and entire families are affected by grief. These sites offer a 24/7/365 "Always on, always here" outlet for thoughts and feelings, which is a priceless tool for grieving parents who have the added task of helping their children grieve.

Even if you don't use one of these sites, your local yellowpages will often list resources in your area. Remember, you don't have to go through the grieving process alone. There are many people out there reaching out their hands to help, and a helping hand makes coping with grief a lot less overwhelming.

Art Therapy

Posted Tuesday, January 8, 2008 by Deann Marin

"The pursuit of art on a regular basis may be the key to healing our minds and bodies." Kim Blair

Mental Health Medicine is not just about taking a drug to ease your emotional pain. As a matter of fact, dulling your senses doesn't alleviate the problem, it only masks it. More than likely, the issues causing you heartache and distress will return. So it is better to face your problems head on. I hope that the methods I am going to talk about in my next series will help you to help yourself.

First up, is a self-healing technique called Art Therapy, this includes painting,

sculpting, dance and eurythmics which is a combination of speaking, music and motion. This alternative remedy is most often used in conjunction with psychotherapy because it taps into your subconscious allowing you to express yourself in a creative way, without the use of words.

Have you ever looked at a painting that evoked strong emotion causing you to feel sadness, or give you a sense of peace and serenity?

Artists have the unique ability to use shapes and color combinations to do just that. A mental health therapist uses art as a method to enable you to express your inner feelings such as depression, grief, addiction, stress, anxiety and more. You don't necessarily need artistic talent or a therapist to benefit from this creative activity. It can be done in the privacy of your home. You would be amazed at how much better you feel after releasing your emotions through artwork, sculpting, dance,etc.

When you allow your creative juices to flow, your mind becomes stimulated and you

open yourself up to self-healing. These alternative modalities stop your thoughts from racing because you are focused on something other than your problems, they enhance your imagination, and help to release pent up tension. Interestingly, the colors you use in paint therapy have psychological meaning for example; red stands for passion, energy,etc., blue for tranquility, yellow for happiness, white for purity, black for sadness, grief, anger, or fear.

Working with clay is an effective way to get in touch with your emotions.

Make a ball with clay by kneading it with your hands.
Without looking at it pay attention to the way it feels, its softness, and texture.
Allow your imagination to run freely and make any shape that you want.
After you are finished with your sculpture, pay attention to how it makes you feel, what does it remind you of? Is it something that relates to what is on your mind?
Your finished piece tells something about your emotional outlook. Try to look at it with an open mind. For instance, a large strong looking sculpture may indicate strength and stability. Is the shape pleasing to you, or do you want to crush it and start all over again? Do you see yourself in it? Is it an indication about something that you would like to achieve or change in your life?

So, you see that without even realizing it, you have completed something that has helped your mind, body and soul.

There are many more mediums that you can work with such as charcoal, water colors, oils, finger paint, etc. to see which ones suit you the best. Remember, you should do what is the least threatening and most comfortable for you.

You can use art therapy to get in touch with your feelings, but be aware of the fact that extreme psychological difficulties are best alleviated when you see a certified mental health therapist or counselor. The statements on my blog are not intended to take the place of advice from your health care professional.

Look for the rest of my mental health series about Self Healing techniques in the Creative Arts where I will be talking about the following topics: music therapy, drum therapy, sound therapy, and dance therapy.

Refererence

The Complete Guide to Natural Healing, International Masters Publishers,
Pittsburgh, PA.

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