Recently an acquaintance confided in me that she was feeling so depressed since her divorce that she could hardly get out of bed in the morning.  I smiled and said, “I know how you feel.  That’s happened to me too.”  It was a simple statement and show of understanding but what was so amazing was that I admitted it at all.

Let’s get this out of the way:  I am one of the millions of people who suffer from a mental illness - specifically, depression.  I’ve been treated for it off and on since I was 19 years old and been so ashamed that I managed to keep it a secret from even my closest friends.  Depression has always been the skeleton in my closet.  I had become so good at hiding it that if you met me, you’d never suspect a thing.  Once when I told a friend I was feeling “a little down” his response was, “Really?  You?”

Being in the medical field (I’m currently a student), I’ll be the first one to tell a patient that depression is nothing to be ashamed of, that it is an illness like diabetes or asthma.  But somehow, I hadn’t been able to believe those words or apply them to my life.  Because of my secret, I denied myself the things that someone with depression needs (a support system), pretended to be someone I wasn’t (a happy person) and prolonged my unhappiness.  It was exhausting!

The truth is, I had no one to blame but myself.  Pittsburgh is overflowing with excellent doctors and mental health professionals, most of which I’ve seen.  Unfortunately, when the questions got tough and I was forced to discuss something that made me uncomfortable, I checked out.  And the harder my therapist tried to make me talk, the more I’d clam up until eventually I cancelled my remaining appointments and moved on to another doctor and repeated the cycle…over and over and over.

But last year I had a breakthrough, got to the root of the problem (grief) and started to understand what had been making me feel so sad for so long.  I’ve changed a lot in those 12 months and will be blogging about my experiences, treatments, good days and not so good days. Most importantly, now I really do believe that depression is nothing to be ashamed of…and if my story helps even one person, this journey has been worth it!

---Danielle