Eventually, each of us will face the loss of someone or something very dear to us and will experience grief. Although we most often associate grief with a death, it can also occur after the end of a relationship, the loss of a pet or when we have to give up a long held goal.
In her book, “On Death and
Dying,” Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
outlined five stages of grief people go
through following a serious loss.
Grieving is a very unique process.
Although each person experiences grief in a differ way and may move
through the stages at different rates, in different orders and with varying
intensities, being familiar with the five stages can sometimes help the coping
process.
Five Stages of Grief
Denial – When faced with a traumatic situation, the first reaction is to deny the reality of the situation. This is a natural behavior which works as a defense mechanism. Denial can help rationalize overwhelming emotions, buffer the immediate shock and help us to hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
Anger – Anger can surface in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset may direct their anger at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if they are dead), become angy with themselves or others close to them or angry at the world for allowing their loss to happen. Knowing this can help you to remain detached and non-judgmental when the anger of a grieving loved one is directed towards you.
Bargaining – During this stage, grieving people will attempt to strike a compromise with God. They may offer to make substantial changes in their life if God will ease their emotional pain after a death. Someone faced with a less traumatic situation may ask God if they can still remain friends after a break-up. Bargaining is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability and is often used as a way to regain control and offer protection from painful reality.
Depression – This stage is considered a “practice run” for the emotions the grieving person must confront. Experiencing feelings of sadness, regret, fear and uncertainty show that the person has begun to accept the reality of the loss.
Acceptance – The final stage is acceptance. This is when anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off and the person accepts the reality of the loss. In most cases, someone who is grieving will go through the first four stages (sometimes more than once) before reaching acceptance. At this stage you will have reorganized your thinking to incorporate the loss into your life. You may still occasionally feel sad about the loss but will realize it is a part of you. Over time the intensity of the sadness will diminish and may never entirely go away. In some instances, particularly when a death is sudden and unexpected, acceptance may not ever be reached. However, when it is, this is a phase marked by withdrawal and calm.
Once you are familiar with the five stages of grief, you will be able to increase your empathy and support for others who are grieving or give yourself permission to go through the grieving process in your own way and on your own time.
